rafi_dorty

I had a difficult conversation with my step father today. As most of you know, he is slowly slowly dying of metastasized colorectal cancer. He's lived way past the 2 years they gave him when he was diagnosed but he's coming to the end. . . it's been scary and sad to watch and it's been a grieving process all the while.
My mother hasn't spoken to me since October of 2007. She emails occasionally to check on me but refuses to speak to me on the phone or to see me. I have been wondering for a while what to do about Michael's (my step dad's) funeral. I want to go to show my respect for him and for the impact he had on my life... and I want to go to support my step siblings in what will definitely be a difficult time. But I did not want in any way to harrass or freak out my mother. And she is the one person who will probably be grieving the most. First off because she's the closest person to him... but also because to this day she still believes that G-d will do some sort of miracle and cure him. :o/
So anyway, he brought up the fact that my mother is afraid that I will show up at the funeral and how terrible and embarassing that would be. I asked Michael in a way that works for our relationship to each other and our relationship with death, "well, you'll be dead anyway, but do you care either way?"... what it came down to was that he thought it would be better for my mother if I do not come to his funeral. And I understand that. And it sucks.
Sigh.
Well, anyhow... there's so much other stuff going on in my life but this is the only thing that has pushed me to blogging again. And I don't even check my myspace but I'm blogging here because most of my blogging history is here. Although i THINK I'll cut and paste it to my livejournal too.
Hmmm, my heart doesn't hurt per se, but it sorta aches a little.
                                         Rafi

Current Mood: drained

I don't have time to write a whole long blog as I am really able to leave work and just waiting for the advil to kick in cuz my knee hurts like a bitch! Anyway, yes, November 11th, 2008. I have 5 years clean and sober. I got sober in 2003. I was 21. My father died the year before mostly because of his drug addiction. I don't really have much to say except that I am grateful that for everyting I have gone through in the past 5 years... (it's been a LOT) I have been able to maintain my sobriety and thus my self worth.
I am proud of everything I've done to keep sane and sober... but aware that there is always more work to be done. Anywayyyyyy, love and hugs. Rafi

Step 10 begins laying the foundation for the rest of my life. It is a pledge to continually monitor my life with honesty and humility. It requires me to be vigilant against my addictive behavior and against the triggers for my addictive behavior. It requires me to be humble before my God who can keep me from my addictive behavior if I have the right attitude. It requires me to deal with my defects promptly when they arise and not to let them linger in my life.
- From 12Step.org

Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. (Denis Waitley)

Current Mood: creative

so here I am. checking my livejournal which I get an opportunity to do about once a week. And now I'm actually posting.. which I seem to do about once every couple of months.
Update on surgery stuff: my chest is looking and feeling great! Even the left nipple which I thought might not make it... seems to be pulling through. He's a little strange looking but I'm hoping he'll even out eventually. I've enjoyed wearing shirts and A shirts and no binder!!! Weirdest thing is wearing button down shirts for some reason... they feel weird with nothing between me and the shirt.

Work is going pretty good. My boss has been out of town a lot... and there is no second driver right now... so I'm holding down the fort of the transportation aspect of Streetwork. Which is cool.. it's just somewhat intense and stressful.. plus driving myself is starting to get REALLY REALLY boring!!!!!!! I had an issue at work trying to get some time off for Jase's surgery... which sucked. Because my job is really accepting and VERY queer. Yet the thing they kept saying was "we were so accomodating to you when you had YOUR surgery"... it felt discriminatory. I don't think it was meant to be. But noone ever told me that taking 3 weeks of MY vacation time (I had the time to use) was asking for too much. Apparently I was wrong? 

So tomorrow night, I drive with Jase to Baltimore. We will stay in a hotel  (I think it's the Radisson!!) and I will drive him to surgery Wednesday.. and then we'll stay one more night in the hotel before driving back Thursday morning. (I need to be at work all day tomorrow and all day Thursday) Argh. But I'm happy to be able to do this for Jase... and I think it could be a lot of fun. I like road trips and hotels. Although... hotels make me horny!!!!!!! 

Stuff with my TNL is still going really well. He's really my boyfriend at this point. He still has his girlfriend which is still cool with me. I have a lot of friends to whom polyamory is a new concept and they really don't believe me when I tell them that I am ok with the girlfriend being in the picture. They think I am trying to convince myself of that. LOL. But yeah, this week we don't have much time to see each other which sucks... and I get a little sad because I miss him. And now I'm starting school so our time together will have to be even more limited. YUCK. Absence makes my heart grow sadder.

I"ve been reading a lot of books lately. I forget that I like reading. I get very obsessed with my music and journal and daytimer that I Forget that train riding is a good book reading time. Yay books! 

Anyhoooooozles, the other big thing on my mind lately is my Jewish angst. My shul (romemu) is starting up again this weekend. Maybe I'll get to services on Saturday or something. I work friday night so... :( that wouldn't work.
i gotta get to bed so I can wake up for school in the AM.
 hearts.
                          Rafi

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Foo Fighters

Dear Friends,
I've had a lot of pride over the past few years and did not ask for help when I needed it. And I have been dealing with severe bulimia since I was twelve. I'm not even sure how I have lived this long with the damage I have done to my body. So now I am finally asking for help and what I am asking is really huge and it's so hard for me to do it. I have finally gotten willing to go to a rehab that specializes in eating disorders. But I was denied insurance in the state of Oklahoma for having a pre-existing condition and I have no funds with which to pay. This rehab is the least expensive inpatient facility that takes males. I have spoken to them and there should be a bed available very soon. My family is in a lot of debt so it's not like they could help even if they wanted to. So I am asking for anyone anywhere who can donate any amount of money for me to go to rehab... please, it is literally a life and death situation for me. Before Pesach/Passover I was in the emergency room because I was vomiting blood. The doctors found multiple ulcers in my stomach and tears in my esophagus. They said that if I hadn't come to the hospital that night I would have bled out and died. This is how serious my condition is right now. I need intensive medical and psychological help before I could possibly live a normal and healthy life.


If you can donate even a little money, it would be a huge mitzva/kindness.


the treatment center had opened an account for me under Shane
the # is 1800 -588- hope and please ask for cam
or ATTN: cam
shades of hope
balcomb PO box639
buffalo gap TX 79508

Sincerely, Shane

Sometimes I'm not sure. I feel like there is so much inside my head. So much that wants to come to the surface and possibly explode... yet the words to describe the sensations and the blockage are missing. I can look through dictionaries and books and try to find the words, try to find my truth but somehow it escapes me. There are some sensations I believe that simply refuse to be described.
Today I feel a little funny. I feel like I might cry? But I'm not sad? 
I am a little excited? But I'm not actually happy.
Let's see... I'm not hungry, angry, lonely... I am a little tired... 
maybe I am lonely. Maybe that's what this feeling is. So hard to tell!!! I really really don't want this to be a reaction to not being in touch with a certain someone since yesterday evening. I don't want other people to determine my moods. I want to be a full human being. Trying to remind myself that I want to pray every day, "G-d please keep my broken"... so that the hole in my heart can continue to flow with the sunlight of G=d and other various spiritual things... 
Chamol Al Maasecha, V'tismach b'maasecha... take pity on your creations and find joy in your creations.
I'm blank and full simultaneously. 
I think I have gratitude? Stuff seems to be going well? I'm so close to surgery... I love my job. My dog is wonderful. My house is being treated for bedbugs... I am beginning to pass 100% of the time... I have the love of my step father, grandmother, step sister, step brother... their support. I have a wonderful roommate. I hope I can help her find her way. I hope that I can be an example of faith for her. Faith in herself. Faith in a divine spirit within the trans-soul. i have a person who I am learning to be intimate with. and also having sex again... it's been a while. My health is pretty decent. Nothing big lately. My sobriety is great. I have a sponsor and a sponsee... I have green tea every day. I have amazing music on my ipod. Tomorrow will be 6 months at Streetwork. . .
thank you G-d. Thank you G-d. My life is full right now. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have everything I need and MORE!
GRATITUDE. 
Wow, feels sorta weird. I want to be calm cool and collected. But today I feel a bit like a mess. But not a bad mess... just a mess mess. Because I have emotions that are larger than me. Emotions that threaten to spill. Emotions that I want to share yet am afraid that people will think I'm weird. or people will be jealous because stuff isn't going so well in their lives right now. I do'nt wanna hurt anyone. . . 
GOD PLEASE KEEP ME BROKEN.
PLEASE KEEP ME BROKEN
KEEP ME BROKEN
ME BROKEN
BROKEN.
Keep Me. 
I am trying to keep G-d conscousness. Trying to stay in the moment. Trying to be happppppyyyyyyy... and STABLE. 

I had very very strange dreams last night. Dreams that were almost reality. The scariest one though was me, Gavi and someone else on top of some building upstate... near Monsey... trying to get back in time for Shabbos but getting lost. No GPS and no phone service. . . couldn't reach anyone. Didn't want to travel on Shabbos. Then we were balancing and snuggling on the top of this building when we notice smoke coming out of this very tall very thin white building across the way... At first we aren't sure it's a fire. Then we are and there is no cell service... no way of calling anyone. And the earth seems too far away... nooone will notice this fire! We don't know what to do but if we aren't careful, we will fall off of our building. The fire spreads rapidly from window to window... then the whole top of the building is engulfed in flames... it slowly starts leaning... and then it topples... and when it does, it hits some sort of nuclear bomb... and this sends shudders and explosions all over... including the building we're balancing on. . .  we fall but aren't hurt. We run to the other building. It's all jews. They were davening. Some are okay. Some are hurt and some are dead. I am not sure what to do. i have nothing with me. There are stones and rocks and debris falling from the air but I need to help people!!! I approach 3 girls who are lying still and none respond to me. they are dead. that is the last part of the dream I remember I think.
:( 
Very scary!!! 

i'll ask david jones for an interpretation.
 

Current Location: work
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Nickleback

I dunno I guess without internet access it seemed silly to post blogs on here too often... but I decided to get over myself and just write and say wasssussuususuuup?? 

Not much is going on yet a lot is about to go on.
May 16 tomorrow I have a JACS retreat upstate that should be loads of fun and hopefully very spiritual and loving.
May 27th I head to Missouri to visit my sick step dad... and my mother won't know I'm coming cuz she would be very unhappy. She doesn't speak to me anymore because I'm trans... it's too hard for her. But while I"m there I"m hoping to visit the graves of my grandfather, grandmother, etc,, and all the way up to my great great great grandfather who was the first chief rabbi of st louis. I guess I'm looking for some sort of family validation... and spiritual validation too... 
I will also hopefully visit my mother's brother... who is mentally retarded and lives in a group home in missouri. That will be nice... if I can make it. It's a big drive from St Louis and I only have 1 full day and 2 part days to be there... 
Then... May 30 is the Nehirim conference in Connecticut and I"ll be a teacher there... teaching a trans 101 class and doing a 12th step workshop/meeting type thing... should be a new experience and I LOVE the grounds that it is on... Isabella freedman center... gorgeous and peaceful. I love it!\
then... June 8th is my really good friend Gedaliyah's wedding in Baltimore... which I am psyched to go to... I love him to pieces and his fiancee has wanted to meet me for a while. I'm sure it's going to make me cry. 
June 28th is the client graduation at work. will also make me cry!
July 4th I head to Oklahoma (god willing) for ICYPAA... young people in AA conference...
And july 6th I head to Omaha for SURGERY!!!!!!!!
July 7th is my 26th birthday and G-d willing also my surgery date!!!
I am super super amazingly excited for all this stuff... a little anxious for it all to work out... but really hopeful that it will.  Yay!!!! Anyway, that's my update. I will hopefully have internet restored in my apt in the next few weeks when I get a new rooommate who I also have to tell you all about!!! Crazy stuff!
Love and kisses, Rafi

Current Mood: energetic

Wow, it's been months since I've had enough computer time to actually get to putzing around fuckin' live journal! What's UP PEEPS???
Stuff is great by me... I got my job, which I LOVE.,... I am in school and it's okay.. I'm doing well, the classes are interesting enough to keep me awake... 
I've been getting called SIR almost 80% of the time which rox.   gotta run.

So... ummm... wow. it's been a long time since I updated... so now stuff in my life isn't sucking quite as much as it has over the past month. I have money in the bank again even though I owe a couple of friends a LOT LOT LOT of money... a "shit ton" as my friend chaya would say... and I'm still not in a job... but i have had a couple of temporary jobs which made me some money plus unemployment finally started coming through and I got food stamps!!! hurray~ so I'm not financially insecure.
This girl Emily is G-d Willing moving in *I don't know if I updated that my roommate was moving out cuz I'm a kinky queer trans... but she did. So thank g-d I found this emily girl so I don't have to pay double rent for december! yay! PLUS she's really cute, gay, Jewish and doesn't drink or do drugs.. oh and she LOVES dogs... it doesn't get any better than this! I hope it all goes really smoothly with the move in.
    what else? For thanksgiving I am working in the family home of one of the wheelchair bound women from the group home I USED to work in. Problem being, even though they are totally cool and liberal, I'm not out here. They are calling me my female name even though I have pretty obvious facial hair at this point! Yoish. I'm trying to find a convenient time to tell them but it just never seems appropriate. sigh.

I miss my family. I wish I could go back to St Louis as Rafi and be MYSELF> :(
P
One more piece of bad news and then I'll sign out. I have been accused lately of "disrespecting" Judaism and Jewish practices by wearing a yarmulka/tzitzis etc... it is SO hurtful to hear that. I wish they could see me for my intentions... and not some distorted perception of perversion and illusions. anyway, good night. Rarely have computer usage these days but that might be changing soon.
                      Love Rafi

Current Location: Manhattan
Current Mood: morose
Current Music: Smith family chorus

wow, i don't exactly even know what I'm going to write. I feel like life is just getting increasingly painful... and while it's not transition related exactly, there is some undercurrent of feeling like "maybe this is all for naught"...
So the job that was killing me fired me. They were awful and sketchy from the start. i wanted to report the nurse to OMRDD (office for the mentally retarded and developmentally disabled) for some of the sketchy things she was doing with the mediczations etc... And the boss would come down on me in an exceptionally harsh way considering I was super new... things that didn't make sense to me at all... and that seemed very unprofessional. And she would bring up my "personal stuff" in public forums which was also inappopriate. So I'm really really really really glad to be outta there. It's just complicated getting my life back together and trying to see what I want to do. Having options.
Yoish.
I think I might want to be a mailman.
listen to my ipod and make phone calls and get a lot of exercise.
But the next thing I have to write about is... wow , more painful than anything I've experienced in a LOOOONG time. The top I had been playing with recently and I were getting pretty tight. We had played a few times and were talking on a daily basis. I really started to like him and even trust him... I was telling my friends about him and showing him off... "look how cute this guy is.."
sigh.
yesterday, I don't know what happened. It's really a long and complicated story but he basically snapped. We had some communication difficulties during the night. The scene we negotiated was NOT was he did and then he ended ubruptly ... saying we'd finish later... then he went off to fuck this large black woman... leaving me on the couch with my best babysitter, L. But I wasn't quite sure... were we done? Was he going to finish? He said he would. And Ir eally thought we were going to incorporate a fisting scene... sadly... he came back from that woman all pooped.
I asked him if he wanted to go, he said yes. Then we all got distracted. *(we all is him, me and my babysitter)
Finally after a little longer we got into the car to go back to my place.
The boy suggested a circle jerk when L. and I were talking about how horny we were.
Then he was feeling sleepy ...
Then we got to 7-11. I asked if he wanted anything. He shook his head "no".
L. and I were chatting about maybe doing a bit of a sexy scene at home... and were chatting about it in the car. I told him he could sleep on my bed or join if he wanted...
he grunted.
When we pulled up at my house. He snapped. Let me just preface this by saying I KNOW I am very sensitive. I know that I take people too seriously and that I trust people too much. But he really chewed me out in a VERY harsh way. Instaed of seeing what happened as miscommunication he told me I was selfish and rude. It was so incredibly hurtful . I was really broken. REALLLYYYY broken. I did my best to maintain my composure. But after he left and it was just me and L. , I cried and cried and cried. I got scared of SM play and kink... I got scared of myself and my transition. I I wanted to go back. NOt to become a scary man. Angry men are scary. Really terrible memories of the abuse I suffered as a child were triggered and I fell into a pit of despair.
Thank god for L and for my sponsor. L held me while I cried and I snuggled on her bosom.
My sponsor can't sleep so she was up when I was buging out and promised me we'd talk tomorrow.
So... . . . . . . The long and short is.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW.
The guy called me and left me a message that "we really need to talk about what happened last night"... and I don't think I want to talk to him. I don't want to play with him ever again. I can't trust him. I can't trust someone who can snap that quickly and without warning. I am so scared I almost never want to play again.
I don't know how and if I should explain all of this to him. Don't know if I can let him know how much I am damaged by his behavior.
Don't know if I can talk to him without being manipulated into believing that I was the "bad" one. :(
Anyway, words of comfort.
words of advice.
any words... even just to let me know you read this would be great. Love, rafi
p.s. I did not cut today. And I still haven't cut in about 2 years now. Need to be open about that cuz it's still something I crave especially when painful things like this come up.

Current Location: my heart
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: L's voice. :)

and it sucks.
but that job was making me more miserable than anything. I sort of want to sue but it takes too much effort. yikes. any sage advice from my friends here?

I feel like a fuck up.
My job is crap and I'm not doing well.
I feel sick. Maybe it's allergies.
My friend (I actually have 2 that are) is suffering from a severe eating disorder... and tonight he and i went out to eat.
:( remind me to not ever do that again.
He stopped 8 times (not exaggerating) on the walk back to my apartment to vomit on the street. He literally can't keep food down because his bulemia is so bad.
Then I was talking to Julian while I was walking.
And my M.O. is to be sarcastic and turn it into some sort of humor because it hurts so much to see my friend being so sick and so bad to himself.
And Julian lectured me on that.
He told me not to chastize or ridicule my friend because he can't help it. That it's an addiction etc...
I KNOW ALL THAT.
I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH THE PAIN Of SEEING HIM DO THAT TO HIMSELF WITHOUT HUMOR OR SARCASM. Even if it sounds mean. He knows I love him. He knows it hurts me. Yet he continues to act out on his eating disorder around me.
I don't know if I'm a bad friend or if I need to protect myself a little more. I feel really triggered right now to cut. Don't know if it's a reaction to his behavior or a reaction to Julian's criticism of me. :(
I need sleep.
I need to feel better.
I need my 7th shot of testosterone tomorrow.
                                                                                             Rafi

Current Location: brooklyn
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Avi's CD

Ah, the Sunday before my next T shot, always a sad one for some reason or another. I think it's a hormone thing. But who knows? Sundays were never easy. But this extended weekend has been pretty fuckin' amazing truthfully.
It all started on Wednesday. My little sponsee Gavi slept over and she and I went out to eat for the holiday meal after I went to the gym. Then thursday we all just chilled around my house and made lunch and had a nice time. I watched the movie "Crown Heights" which although it had a good theme, the movie itself was pretty cruddy in my humble opinion.
    Thursday night, my fling, Julian came to Brooklyn. We went out for a little pizza and then came to my place. . . We chatted for a bit and then we got busy. He tied me up and finger fucked me for a bit... apparently a bit too hard cuz I started bleeding... oh well. It was fun while it lasted. :) We played and cuddled and basically just enjoyed each other's company till about 3 in the morning. Then we went to sleep. I woke up early on Friday- as usual- and didn't want to disturb my lovely sleeping guest so I went with Smudge out for a walk and I taught myself how to play a new song on the guitar. When he did wake up, I got a chance to play with him more. I don't like bottoming all the time. I like being a top sexually and helping other people get off.. so it was fun. Plus it was my first sexual experience with another trans guy and being allowed to explore his body was really good for me.
    Friday afternoon, after I walked Julian to the train, I decided to go to Westchester with Smudge to hang with my good bud Jase. It was a bit of a shlep getting there but well worth it. Smudge loves it up there and I love being around Jase... so we had a nice time. I went to a Ben and Jerry's store and created my own PINT! It was delectable. On Saturday we went for a hike with the dogs and Jase's roommate. Which was just what the doctor ordered. Some physical exercise in the woods with nature and getting good conversation going at the same time. It was really beautiful.
Kyle told me about a Mr. Eagle contest so I decided to get back to Brooklyn to drop off smudge and change my clothes (I was wearing white shorts and light blue shirt- not the most appropriate thing to wear to a gay leather bar.. :) I asked Julian to meet me there... and randomly met up with Reid and Nogga there too!! Plus I got to meet a new trans guy named Dan~! yay! I was getting pretty sleepy at the bar and kept putting my head down on Nogga and Julian so finally Julian took me home and we slept. No sex... I guess we were both probably too tired for that anyway. :( But we got up in the early afternoon, ate oatmeal, watched Animal Planet and then headed down to the mini-street-fair for leather stuff. It was nice... and especially nice was that I got to see Sebastien who is looking damn cute today... and his partner Angel who is really a nice guy.. I like him. So we got to stand around and talk leather and bull shit. It was nice. (I think I've said nice just a few too many times... too tired to think of better adjectives... sorry Mrs. Smason!) Then I had to go to my best A.A. meeting... which I love but it was hard leaving that group of hotties! Now I'm home, tired. Gotta get to sleep so I can be up at the obscene hour of 5am... and I've had 2 cups of coffee today so I don't know how likely it is that I"ll be abkle to fall asleep but I can't know if I don't try.
Unfortunately tomorrow i have to really get serious sorting out some fucked up work and insurance shit that's been going down. I hope it doesn't go badly. :(
                                                     G'night. Rafi

Our Lady Peace Lyrics

Are You Sad? Lyrics

Your life has been so hard
It's dried up angels that can't keep guard
I'm trying to reach your hand
But I'm on fire
I never planned to fade... away
Stay with me
Stop pretending when they say that you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..

I'm drowning inside your head
Help me to answer
Help understand
Why it's been so long since we talked like friends
Please, forgive me,
I'm just a man
Whose made mistakes

Stop pretending when they say you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..

Current Location: my room
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Our Lady Peace

In about a half an hour I will be having some folks over to view "Trembling Before God" and "Trembling on the Road"... I don't know why I'm feeling sort of sad and nervous. I guess it could definitely have a lot to do with the amount of people I've spoken to today who are not supportive of me in my transition or any LGBT people at all. :( poopy. Guess it wasn't a good idea to cram all the negative people into one day... but I really did want to just get it over with and I owed a bunch of people phone calls. :(
Argh.
But I guess this is an important night for me. And it's important that I stay out of the closet about my own situation and live in my reality... which is that I'm transitioning. That I have always wished I could and now I am living that wish.
I hope tonight goes well. My crush will be here... which is super exciting. I hope she likes my apartment. I cleaned for the past 2 hours so it's looking fairly decent... and smelling pretty decent too... patchouli!
I need the transmasculine group to start up again. I miss it a LOT. more than I thought I would.
                                                                                                       Rafi

Hello LiveJournal peeps,
     Today I finally had my first FULL dose of T. Hurray! I was actually able to give it to myself too, without any help and without waiting 5 minutes hyperventilating. :)
    I am realizing today that being raised female and in all female social environments... school, synagogue, summer camps etc... I have NO IDEA how to act like a guy around guys!!! Around girls, I know how to establish friendships and be normal etc... cuz I had a LOT of years to observe and study and learn how to do so. But I have no experience around guys AS a guy. Does that make sense? For years I was trying to be a girl around guys which was just plain silly... then I was a macho-queer around guys... but that didn't work out too well either. So now that I ID as a guy full time, I am trying to be just an average Joe with the manager where I work and I feel silly for some reason. I'm always thinking that he's second guessing me or that he'll "she" me any second. In truth, he's VERY friendly, talkative and nice and he has "he"d me since I've met him. (granted, that was YESTERDAY) But I feel awkward anyway... would love comments bout this. If anyone had a similar feelings... or if I'm just crazy. :)
    Sigh, I am not ready for this Jewish Holiday business. I hoep that by next year I will be "passing" enough to attend orthodox services as a guy. Until then, i'm just "on a break" from organized orthodox jewry.
                        Till next time,
                                    Rafi

Current Location: naked
Current Mood: nerdy

NY FTM Campout
Friday, September 7th 5:00pm on (whenever you can make it) until Saturday evening

Ward Pound Ridge Reservation
Route 35 & 121 South
Cross River, NY
http://www.westchestergov.com/parks/parkslocations02/WardPoundRidge.htm

Drive or take the Metro North to the Katonah Station (about 10 minutes, 5 miles from campground).

Lean-to group site $7 per person per night

Bring your own food, tent, sleeping bag, flash light, water, etc.

Please respond if you are planning to attend.
respond with
- How you are getting there (can give a ride, need a ride, need a pick up from train station)
- If you need to borrow camping supplies or info on where to rent them

I think I have the "fuck it"s.
It's not that I am interested in being female suddenly. I will not start putting on heels or dresses or asking people to not mistake me for a man...
it's more that I am in a weird space where gender just doesn't fucking exist and you can call me whatever you want because no matter what you call me, it doesn't even matter because nothing exists. Sometimes, I am in a space where I'm not even sure that I exist. I'm not really in a negative mood as negative as this blog may sound so far... I'm just not in the mood to care. I'm not in the mood to correct people and insist that I am a boy because I knew I was a boy since I was little. So I did, so what? Is that the world's fault that I"m transgendered? I sort of want to keep it to myself... not scream it from every hall... but then I get nervous that my disinterest in engaging the world about the trans issue means that I've "given in" to THEIR side. Whoever THEY is... my parents, my religion, my rabbis, my oldest closest friends... who tell me I'm mistaken by taking the actions I'm taking.
Well fuck THEM too.
I just want to float.
Just saw the movie I <3 Huckabees... and i really enjoyed the part where the 2 guys are beating eachother with a big red ball to achieve this blissful state of nothingness... I feel that honey. I want to be there. That's what S and M is for...
Get my ass to party and kick the shit out of it QUICK boy.
                                                                          Rafi

Current Location: my brain
Current Mood: apathetic

Any guys in the NYC area who are interested, after the transmasculine drop in group at the center, we will be heading to karaoke 17 on 17ths and 5th avenue. Actually, you should double check  that address... cuz I just got confused and my phone is entirely desimated so I can't even call to find out. Anyway, it's going to be lots of fun. It's 6 bucks per person per hour... if you need help with the money don't be shy to ask, I'm sure we can pool a few extra bucks for you. Hope to see you there!!
                                                                    Rafi

Current Location: at home instead of at work ... uh oh
Current Mood: ditzy

I guess it's the hormone thing that they talk about... or maybe this is also PMS...
I'm sad today.
Maybe cuz I didn't get enough sleep?
I feel teary... a little headachey.
I just watched the Tyra episode that was on this past week about transgender kids. It was emotional. I am swept with emotions... some expected and some that I don't want. Jealousy for one... I don't want it. It's not useful. I had my experiences for a reason. sigh.Overemotionality is weird. I was just crying at some movie about Bill Murray and an elephant.
okkkaaayyyy... reality check. :) lol
                                                          Rafi

Current Location: home in Brooklyn
Current Mood: touched
Current Music: latino music something on TV